Searching for the Positives in Life

by Russ Beck



Storm clouds over Twisleton Scar End (Mike Green) / CC BY-SA 2.0

Throughout my career, I've had occasion to visit with many people who were struggling in life ... or rather, struggling with life. One lost a child and could not understand why God allowed that to happen. Another lost a spouse and wondered how to continue without him. Others had horrible acts perpetrated upon them and lived with emotional suffering and pain. Some questioned their ability to ever retire with the economy being so bad, while others wondered if they’d ever find work.

All of these, and hundreds of other reasons, can cause people to feel despondent about life. I know in my own trials, I’ve often found myself asking the age-old question “Why me?” It can be hard finding the silver lining in some of life's storm clouds.

It's been said, “The last of human freedoms is the ability to choose one’s attitude in a given set of circumstances.” In other words, we can choose how we are going to respond to any circumstance.

For example, let's say a car cuts us off on the interstate, and in a knee-jerk reaction, we become angry and it ruins the rest of our morning. Now, let's change one factor in that hypothetical situation and see how our response would be different. Let's say that an injured child lies in the back seat of the offending vehicle and the parent is desperately racing to the hospital.

Wouldn't that alter our reaction to being cut off?

How about the loss of a loved one? We can focus on the sadness and become depressed, or we may choose to remember the joy and blessings of life with that person, and go about living a good life that the lost loved one would be proud of.

It might sound simplistic to suggest that choosing to respond positively will alter our lives, and some might decry that it's not real advice. However, the statement about choosing one’s attitude in any given circumstance was spoken by Victor Frankl, a survivor of the Nazi death camps. He spent time in three different camps, being a prisoner in both Auschwitz and Dachau. His family and friends were killed and he was treated inhumanely. He watched as fellow inmates despaired and many committed suicide or just gave up, while others turned to hatred and revenge as their motivation for living. Frankl, however, chose a different path and sought opportunities to help others. That's what he did to survive; he brought humanity into an inhumane setting. He performed small acts of kindness and assistance, often in a clandestine manner.

In the most horrific conditions, Victor Frankl found meaning in life. Or, as he would say, he made meaning out of life. I would suggest reading his book, Man’s Search for Meaning. It is a testament of our ability to choose our responses to difficult situations. As Frankl said, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

The power to find the positive in a negative world lies within each of us. It will not necessarily be easy, but it is possible. We truly do control our own destinies.

Until next time …

~ Russ


-----© Russ Beck, 2011-----

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Prayer, Faith, and Butterflies

By Russ Beck




I’ve often been asked why I chose to go into counseling and particularly, why I prefer pastoral/religious counseling. The answer to the first part is that I’ve always been fascinated by people. I’ve often wondered how we become who we are and how we change.

While in college for my bachelor’s degree in sociology, my adviser directed me toward a class on theories of personality. He felt I’d enjoy it and he was right. I was hooked from the beginning. Captivated by all the different opinions as to where our personality comes from, I read about the thinking of Freud, Adler, Pearls, Rogers, Ellis, and many others. Each had their own special twist on things. They all believed that by understanding how the personality is formed, we can then figure a process for producing change.

Finding the truth in such a myriad assortment of ideas and theories was difficult. There were those in my field of study who ascribed to only one theory, excluding all the others, while most became “eclectic,” choosing bits and pieces from this or that one. I, like others in the field, had my preferences, but used bits and pieces of all of them.

As my career expanded, I had the opportunity of serving as a Bishop in the LDS Church. It was there I came to fully realize the power of another force in helping to understand personality and the process of change. While I always worked hard to help people change their outward problems, lasting change always came from the inside—through prayer, faith, and the acceptance of Christ and his principles. Pastoral counseling offers a counselor a wider selection of tools for helping.

I have seen ordinary men with no training in counseling give the best advice and counsel as they prayed and exercised faith in Christ. The inspiration they received far surpassed any counsel a mere mortal could give, regardless of the amount of training received.

As an individual prayerfully approaches God, they establish a communication with the Almighty, who loves them. As their faith increases, their confidence waxes strong to the point they recognize they have within themselves the divine spark of change, which enables them to make necessary course corrections for a happier life.

Over the process of time and because of the many experiences I’ve had in the church, I recognize that there are three main areas affecting the development of our personality; nature, nurture, and the pre-mortal existence.

Nature
All of us are subject to the laws of mortality. Genetics govern much of who we are. We have our mother’s eyes, our father's nose, Aunt Julie’s ears, and our grandfather’s walk. We inherit tendencies for various illnesses such as diabetes or heart problems. Our height, body structure, and even our laugh comes from the genetic process.

Nurture
The environment of our youth influences our personal concepts of who we are. Through the interactions of family life we learn who mom and dad are and what moms and dads do. We can feel loved or not. We find out what our position is in society—we've all known someone who seems to have the “right name” and is instantly accepted at school or work.

I’ve had the occasion to meet many people who are struggling in life because of the atrocities which occurred to them in their youth. Abuse, violence, and the lack of feeling loved can generate within someone a belief that they are worthless and unloved by God. This is very difficult to change later in life.

Pre-mortal existence

All of us have lived for eons of time with God prior to coming to this mortal existence. Each of us brings some of that with us. Our memory may be gone, but still, there is more of God in us than of man. Tapping into this knowledge through prayer and faith will cause us to start changing from within.

All of us want to be happy. It is the number one thing people say when asked what they want in life; even more than money. Yet how many recognize that happiness is right within our grasp if we but calm down and seek God. There is a saying by Thoreau that puts it well: Happiness is like a butterfly. As we chase after it, it constantly flutters away, just out of our reach. Yet, if we sit down and ponder about the beauty of the world, the butterfly comes over and lands on our shoulder.

Through true change that comes from a companionship with God, we may have the ability to have butterflies fluttering around us in our lives and sometimes, even landing on our shoulders.

Until next time …

~ Russ


* Names have been changed.

-----© Russ Beck, 2011-----

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What Do We Truly Want?

By Russ Beck

Photo © sxc.hu/spekulator

Case Study

Joan, a middle-aged woman, came in feeling despondent. She slumped into the recliner and gave a deep sigh. She told me her life was good, but not all she thought it should be. Joan discussed her feelings about this regularly with John, a male coworker, who was approximately the same age. Their relationship had grown close over the past few weeks.

As she spoke, it became apparent Joan’s feelings towards John were deepening and she wondered if she might be happier leaving her husband, Rick, of 32 years for this new and exciting relationship. Joan spoke of feeling younger since meeting John. She also stated she looked forward to going to work now and seldom took time off. On the other hand, Joan’s tolerance for her husband’s flaws was at an all time low and she was considering a trial separation.

Joan said her feelings of dissatisfaction with her life began several years ago. She noticed that small things began to bother her about her life with her husband. They were still driving ten-year-old cars and were living on a budget. She felt bored most of the time. She never spoke with her husband about this as she believed he would not have listened to Joan reported her early life was quite good. She loved her five children and still enjoyed them and her grandkids. She spoke of many fun family outings and fond memories of vacations.
Joan rubbed her temples as she spoke. “I see all that my neighbors and my siblings have and somewhere along the way I feel like I’ve missed the boat.”

Analysis
Like most of us, Joan had moments where she saw the things others amassed and she believed she had fallen short. In a world of "things," it is easy for us to measure ourselves against what others have. The reality of what is really important is quite different. When asked to give up one of her children for a million dollar home, Joan looked at me in surprise. How could I ever suggest such a thing? How about trading the 32 years of marriage with Rick for a successful career and a multi-million dollar house? Again she shook her head like I was crazy.

An old saying states: “Happiness consists not in having everything you want, but in wanting everything you have.” When Joan evaluated her life in these terms, she began to gain a different perspective. She started to see that her present considerations would cause a great loss in her life. Interestingly, Joan then started to become protective of the “things” which were most important to her–children, grandchildren, and yes, even Rick. She did not want to lose all the relationships she had worked so hard for over all those years. Joan started to see her life differently and instead of feeling bored, she started looking for ways to ensure that those she loved never left her life.

Real Life Applications

All of us experience times in which we feel less than successful. We all get caught in the comparison game where neighbors, relatives and business associates all seem to have so much more than we do. This is normal for living in the world. It is however, a nasty trap that places at risk all we truly do value in life; our families. Try this. On a piece of paper, list all of the relationships you treasure and would not want to lose. Then list all the things you think you'd like to have. As you examine the two lists, which of those relationships would you want to give up for anything on the other list? Chances are you wouldn't do it.

Also, looking at the first list, how would your life change if you lost a couple of those relationships? What would you do to prevent losing them?

Ironic isn’t it? In the mist of feeling we have so little, if offered a great deal in place of what we do have, we recoil in horror at the possibility of losing that which really is so dear to us.

Until next time …
~ Russ

* Names have been changed.
-----© Russ Beck, 2011-----

The Silent Treatment ... by Russ Beck

Case Study
Joe and Mary entered my office and took a seat at opposite ends of the room. Mary stared at Joe through tear filled eyes as he sat fiddling with his cell phone. When I asked what the problem was, Mary folded her arms and turned towards the wall while Joe looked at me and shrugged his shoulders. Joe felt clueless about what was wrong and Mary wasn’t talking.

Through 18 years of marriage, Mary and Joe handled disagreements through avoidance. When offended, Mary typically became quiet and stayed to herself, but in reality she wanted Joe to apologize for his actions. She believed he knew what he'd done yet he chose to ignore it. It infuriated her.

For his part, Joe disengaged. He didn't press the issue and went off to watch TV or mow the lawn. Eventually, perhaps two or three days later, they gradually moved back into a congenial relationship where they spoke to each other again.

This time, however, they were not moving back together. They hadn't spoken for two weeks.

I asked Mary if she could explain to me what Joe had done. After several minutes, Mary looked at me and said she shouldn’t have to, Joe knew perfectly well what he'd done. “It doesn’t take a genius to know when you’ve insulted someone,” she said with her eyes flashing. Joe remained unmoved by this and continued to press buttons on his cell phone. More upset than ever, Mary refolded her arms tightly across her chest, exhaled sharply and turned to stare at me. “See what I mean?” she said in disgust.

The situation with Joe and Mary had reached critical mass. Something needed to be done quickly or they would divorce.

Analysis
The ability to communicate with others is a learned skill which is vital to a healthy marriage. Joe’s choice to disconnect wasn’t helping and Mary’s expectation that Joe should “just know” what he had done was driving their marriage off a cliff. Joe needed to let Mary know how frustrated he became when she would not explain to him what was bothering her. Mary needed to tell Joe what she was feeling and why. Both were contributing to the problem. Joe failed to let her know how much he loved her and how much he wanted to help her feel better. Mary failed to let him know what he did to offend her.

Mary came from a family where innuendo and slight suggestion was interpreted accurately. It was very much like a second language. When she was young and the family was eating, her mother would say, “Oh, those potatoes look yummy.” Immediately someone would grab the bowl and offer them to her. Whereas, Joe came from a family where members said exactly what they wanted. If someone wanted more potatoes, he asked for them. Because of the difference in family structure, Mary had trouble comprehending why Joe never understood her nuanced statements and hints. She felt he was either being mean or that he just didn’t care. She failed to realize that just like another language, Joe was clueless as to what she was saying, or attempting to say.

In order to help Joe and Mary, I suggested they take time to practice this second language and to make a game of it. Mary was amazed at Joe’s lack of understanding. Over time, she started to help him and it became a shared, fun thing to do. Mary also began to see that not everyone was so adept at the language of hidden meanings. Over time, Joe became more aware of what Mary was saying.

In addition, Mary worked at expressing her needs more directly, rather than couching her requests in hints. It was a difficult transition for her as she felt she was stating the obvious. Mary did come to realize that clear communications gave her what she was looking for. Her convoluted attempts at expressing her needs were not only time consuming, but frustrating for her and Joe. She also came to understand that plain and simple talk yielded the most positive results. Their relationship blossomed and efforts at saving their marriage paid large dividends. Both willingly worked to avoid giving the silent treatment in the future, and to discuss issues as they arose.

Real Life Applications

Trying to get your needs met through hints and insinuations is like trying to catch a fish by sitting on the end of the dock and merely thinking about it. Just like needing a fishing pole, line and bait, it's necessary to use honesty and openness to make your wishes known. Taking the initiative to say, "I feel this way, or I'd like it if you would..." is the first step that's needed to prevent misunderstandings.

If the silent treatment is an issue in your life or marriage, work to change that. Whenever you're tempted to hide behind a stony wall of silence, try expressing your needs as mentioned above. Practice conscientiously, and over time you'll experience a positive change in your life.

Until next time …

~ Russ


* Names have been changed.


-----© Russ Beck, 2011-----

Ways to Cope with Aging... by Russ Beck

Finding the Light at the End of the Tunnel



Case Study
Ed, a gentleman in his 50’s, came to see me about a lack of energy. Ed gave a deep, “Umph” as he slid into the recliner. Looking at the floor, he let out a sigh and said, “I guess I’m suffering from depression. I have no energy and everything hurts.” He had been to see a doctor who suggested starting a trial of antidepressants.

After several questions it became apparent that Ed was in good physical health. The doctor had ran several tests to see if physiological causes accounted for his condition and when everything came back good, a diagnosis of depression was considered. For Ed, his future appeared to be one filled with sadness, pain, and pills.

As we discussed his life, Ed sounded like any normal male. He enjoyed his childhood. He was active in middle school and high school. Ed even had success in sports while in school. His children loved him, and he was currently happily married with grandchildren. He felt it cruel that at this stage in life he should be stricken with such a debilitating illness as depression.

I asked about changes in his life over the past year. Ed considered the question and told me one of his daughters had moved with her family to Seattle. Another child, a son, moved to Atlanta to attend college. He felt worried about keeping his job in the worsening economy and mentioned he'd taken on more work with no pay increase, as his company was not replacing people as they left. His parents had health problems and he traveled 60 miles to visit and help them with their home and yard work on a regular basis. On top of that, Ed had injured his back lately and had trouble doing much of anything.

Analysis
Life has a way of overwhelming us at times, especially as we age and are no longer able to accomplish as much physically as we did previously. Ed felt a lack of control with the moving of two of his children, the aging of his parents, work uncertainties, and his own experience of growing older—with all the associated aches and pains. All of these challenges took a toll on Ed, causing him feelings of discouragement. A disheartened frame of mind over time will lead to a despondent spirit, digging a rut in which Ed could become stuck. He needed a reality check before happiness drifted away from him.

I asked him to consider what life would be like without his wife. With a furrowed brow and shaking his head no, Ed said, “It would be miserable.” I asked the same question about his children, and received a similar response. Then I questioned him about his parents. What was it like growing up in their home? Ed smiled as he remembered family outings and times spent alone with his mom or dad. We then talked about the aging process. Could he think of any advantages to growing older? With a wry smile he looked at me and said, “Well, I do know it’s better to be seen than to be viewed!”

Real Life Applications
Ed’s experiences in growing older are not dissimilar to anyone else’s experiences. There are many losses that can result from a death, but it's just as important to recognize there are also losses that come from loved ones moving away, or family members not being able to care for themselves, as well as our own sense of loss as we are no longer able to do things to the same degree as in the past. Also, the many aches and pains we experience on a daily basis are a constant reminder that things have changed and we’ve lost the energy and stamina of younger years.

In coping with these difficult life challenges, Ed needed to adjust his perception of life and aging.

Accept–Life is a gift. With all its difficulties and struggles, life offers us what no other thing can–opportunity. Even though opportunity can come to us disguised as hard work, it is, nonetheless, a chance to grow and be happy. Ed came to realize he had a marvelous opportunity to show love through caring for his elderly parents. He also realized he could learn to use the webcam on his computer as he maintained communication with his children living in another state.

Adapt–Ed told me of a dog he once had as a kid. It had been a mangy thing with only three legs. Ed explained the dog loved to chase cars, got too close once, and lost his leg in an accident. I asked about the dog’s life and Ed said the dog seemed happy and never noticed his handicap. Just like Ed’s dog, it is important to adjust to new situations, even though difficult, with a positive outlook for all that is still left to enjoy in life.

Appreciate–In talking with Ed, it became apparent he did feel gratitude for all the wonderful things he had in his life. He spent many years living close to his parents, near his children and had a loving companion by his side. This sense of thankfulness helped Ed to gain a fresh perspective.

In conclusion, even though life is filled with pain, it is also filled with joy. What you choose to focus upon determines your quality of life.

Until next time …

~ Russ


* Names have been changed.


-----© Russ Beck, 2011-----

This article sponsored by YourLDSNeighborhood.



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Is Retirement In Your Future?

By Russ Beck



A few months ago I found myself discussing the topic of retirement with Bob, a sixty-year-old colleague. He pointed out that just five years ago he excitedly looked forward to retiring, going on trips with his wife, and spending leisurely days with the grandkids. Now, with the ever-worsening economy, he expressed anxiety over the real possibility of never being able to retire—at least in the way he traditionally thought of retirement. His hopes for not having to get up and go to a job, spending days doing what he would like, and having sufficient money for all his needs were vanishing.

Looking at me with eyes filled with sadness Bob said, “Even if I retire from my job, I still have to get another job somewhere. I can’t live off my retirement pay, and I need to have insurance.”

Bob’s revelation of the difficulties of our economic world has no doubt been on the minds of many people in their late 50s and 60s. The world we watched our parents live in seems to have come to an end. Ours appears filled with uncertainty and a loss of prosperity.

Expectations
As with everyone, Bob had firmly held beliefs about what the future “should be.” Based upon what he observed as he grew, Bob assumed he would likewise be entitled to have the same opportunities. His father, Karl, had retired from a 30-year career with the U.S. Post Office. At that time, the retirement package included full insurance coverage and a guaranteed cost of living increase for his pension. Karl spent his retirement years doing what he wanted and taking trips to Hawaii and Europe. This instilled within Bob a strong desire to have the same when his turn came to retire. The reality, however, is proving to be much different. Bob is now upset as he has to cope with the knowledge that this is not going to be the case and therefore, he feels cheated.

Reality
Regardless of how we feel about something, or what we believe to be the truth, a reality exists. Anytime we butt heads with reality, we come away feeling disillusioned. Bob had it all worked out in his mind exactly what his future would be like. This did not turn out to be the case and now, unable to have it go the way he wanted, he struggled with despondency. At first, Bob frantically tried to figure out how to accomplish his goal. He originally thought his large 401K would provide the funds necessary to supplement his pension so he could live the same lifestyle his father had. Now, with a severely depleted 401K balance, he knows the only way left to enhance his pension is to take on another job. He finds his future to be depressing because it is not what he expected.

How often does life turn out the way expected? Looking back at Bob's father, Karl grew up during the great depression. His expectations for his future, therefore, were very low. Karl knew he would have to work hard for anything he would ever have. He also knew it could be lost too. He fought in WWII. The amount of human suffering and sorrow Karl saw made him aware of how fragile life is.

Bob, on the other hand, had an entirely different experience growing up. Bob had many of life’s luxuries including the knowledge that there would always be food on the table and he’d always have a warm bed at night. He didn’t think twice when he attended college and acquired a good position making decent money after graduation. Bob also figured this run of good fortune would continue.

Coping Suggestions
Have Flexibility: Too often, our expectations make us rigid and unable to deal with course corrections. The ability to bend in the face of the strong winds of reality enables us to move forward in life with a more positive attitude. Expect the unexpected. In this way we maintain the ability to turn and pivot towards new directions instead of standing stiff and unyielding. Approach life with a sense of awe and wonder. Being childlike in our amazement at all of life's wonderful twists and turns presents opportunities for growth and exciting new experiences. Just because life doesn’t appear to be as expected, it still can be fulfilling and happy.

Reframe: Looking at a situation from a different angle will often allow us to see it in an entirely new way. I knew a man who was strongly against having the Olympics come to Utah several years ago. He saw it as a waste of tax payer’s money as well as a time that would be filled with terrible human congestion. His trips to the city would become a nightmare, filled with traffic, detours, and people clogging the streets and businesses. Then, one day while reading in the Old Testament, he came across a scripture talking about the house of the Lord being in the tops of the mountains. He realized that referred to the Salt Lake Temple. Then he read that all nations would flow unto it. Light dawned upon him as he recognized that was exactly what the Olympics represented—all nations coming to Salt Lake City. From that point on, he became a strong advocate for the Olympics in Utah.

Concluding Thoughts
Life contains so many variables that it is impossible to know what the future holds. The key, then, is to approach it with a sense of childlike wonder and awe. As we gain an appreciation for life’s unexpected changes, our ability to handle unanticipated circumstances increases. It also helps to remember that happiness is a journey, not a destination.

Until next time …

~ Russ


-----© Russ Beck, 2011-----

This article sponsored by YourLDSNeighborhood.



Please show your appreciation by stopping for a visit. And take a minute to check out their newsletter, and yourLDSRadio as well!

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Missing Love ... by Russ Beck

Case Study

Judy, a woman in her thirties who worked at a local business, came into my office fidgeting with her key chain and looking all around the room. Obviously uncomfortable, I asked her to sit. She continued to jiggle the keys, but finally sat, leaning on the edge of the recliner.

After a few minutes, she slowly started to talk about not feeling happy and being concerned about the future. Then she said, “No one loves me.”

Tears formed at the corner of her eyes and then rolled down her cheeks. It took her a few minutes to speak again. She spoke of having loving parents, and a brother and three sisters who loved her. She also spoke about her wonderful extended family, all of whom loved her. She spoke of friends and church leaders who cared for her, but still she felt unloved.

Missing from the descriptions of important relationships in her life was any mention of a boyfriend. Indeed, this was the deep heartache causing her so much pain.

Judy went on to explain she had a great childhood and enjoyed activities in the LDS church with her entire family. She had even gone on a few dates in high school and a couple more while in college, but nothing serious. Judy, now thirty-one, felt alone, and filled with dread for a long, solitary future.

We took time to discuss her understanding of the meaning of life. Did we exist only to have a spouse and children? What of the many couples who were childless? Or the couple who lost their child? Or what about the spouse who has an unfaithful partner?

Judy said she believed we were here to learn, grow, and help each other. I agreed with her wisdom.

Analysis

It was natural and normal for Judy to feel lonely and wonder about the course her life was taking. I honestly don’t know anyone who hasn’t sat down and wondered about roads not followed or opportunities missed. I think we all have the experience at times of wondering “why me.”

The answer may not be easily accepted or understood, but the management of the situation is clear. In speaking to a group of unmarried women, the LDS Church President Gordon B. Hinckley said, “To you wonderful young women I send a charge to reach beyond the routine of your daily work to serve in the Church, in the community, in the society of which you are a part. Though your talents be meager, polish them. Increase your skills, extend your love to help those who need your lifting hand .... The best antidote for worry is work. The best medicine for despair is service. The best cure for weariness is the challenge of helping someone who is even more tired.”

Being able to move beyond our sadness through compassionate service to others in need is a skill and quality born of the angels. To see examples of this we need only look towards those serving in positions in our local ward and stake. These good men and women serve unfailingly whether they feel happy or sad, whether they are healthy or not feeling so well, whether things in their life are going great or not so great.

Real Life Applications

In a local psychiatric hospital there is a saying painted on a conspicuous wall which says, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a difficult battle.” I’ve heard it said in another way, "This life is tough—no one gets out alive!" It is true, however, that some do have a more difficult time in this life than others. Focusing more on others who are having a difficult time helps us deal better with the inequities in our own lives.

Ideas for consideration:

Volunteer at a local elementary school and work with children with special needs.

Work with teens in a troubled youth home. Learn about tragedies that have occurred in their life.

Pick a charity, any charity, and become involved in helping. It can be breast cancer, autism, leukemia, juvenile diabetes, cerebral palsy, down syndrome, mental retardation, spina bifida, traumatic brain injury, multiple sclerosis, etc.

Volunteer at a psychiatric mental hospital or mental health facility and help those suffering from mental illness.

Work with mothers against drunk driving or victims against crime, or organizations supporting battered women and children, or other worthy organizations.

Look around your community and see where the needs may be. Talk with the local social service providers, police, and religious leaders to get ideas of opportunities to serve and carefully select one.

Ultimately, serving others who are in pain brings us out of our own concerns and allows us to be a part of helping to ease their burdens in this life. Additionally, we will find our own pain and suffering eased as well.

Until next time …

~ Russ


-----© Russ Beck, 2011-----

This article sponsored by YourLDSNeighborhood.



Please show your appreciation by stopping for a visit. And take a minute to check out their newsletter, and yourLDSRadio as well!

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Loving the In-laws ... by Russ Beck

Early in my training as a therapist, I learned that there were three main reasons why people divorce: sex, money, and the in-laws. Nowadays, the focus seems to be more on communication but in reality these three main issues continue to be at the root of many married couples difficulties.

Any relationship difficulty with in-laws is a complicated and hard situation to resolve. It's not much different from taking a stroll through a minefield! Unexpected explosions can happen at nearly every turn, even when we think we are just going for a walk.

There are several things to consider when we find ourselves having in-law problems:

Expectations
We all have them, but we seldom take the time to figure out where they came from and if they are valid. Growing up in a family, we learn who we are through our interactions with Mom and Dad. Additionally, we watch them interact with our grandparents and tend to copy that relationship style, too.

Naturally, we accept what we learned as youngsters as being gospel, and we form expectations that this is how things will be in our marriage. Often, we feel this way without even thinking about it.

The problem arises when our spouse comes into the relationship with differing expectations, which is generally a given since we both come from different families. Many of these expectations can be seen in everyday events ... such as, who is “supposed” to do the dishes? Take out the trash? Change the baby’s diaper?

Other expectations arise on a less daily basis but during specific times of the year and in particular, during the holidays. Whose house do we go to for a party every Christmas Eve? Whose house do we go to for Thanksgiving?

It is important to look at what we expect and be willing to discuss this openly and in a fair manner with our spouse so that compromise and sharing will be the basis for making these decisions.

The Two Shall Become One
It is vital to establish our own family that is not an extension of either of our families. Through mutual respect, we learn to look to each other for our source of strength and unity. Certainly, there are some family traditions each of us will want to maintain, but it needs to be a conscious decision upon which we agree. Additionally, we need to go about establishing some of our own traditions that will help us and our children draw close and establish lasting bonds.

Mutual Respect for the In-laws
In a marriage, we love our spouse. Expression of this love takes many forms, but one of the most profound means of demonstrating love is by showing respect for our spouse’s parents. Each of us loves his or her parents deeply. It is not reasonable to expect a complete separation from those who nurtured us and gave their love for so many years. The commandment to love your parents is not an exclusive directive, but rather, it is an expansive instruction which includes in-laws.

All conversations about our in-laws should be done with the knowledge we are talking about the people our spouse loves.

Setting Boundaries
If there is a problem with the in-laws becoming overly involved in raising our children or in just “stopping by” too often, it is important to discuss with each other what behavior by the in-laws would be appropriate. After reaching a mutually agreed upon decision, the spouse of the in-laws in question should talk with his/her parents about it. Having the son-in-law or daughter-in-law speak with their respective in-laws creates a situation that could become a stumbling block for everyone.

It is also important that the spouse is not put into a position of becoming defensive about his/her parents. That will only lead to hurtful arguments and strained relationships.

Inclusion
When setting boundaries, it's important to remember that our in-laws also function as grandparents to our children. As such, they love their grandchildren and want to be involved in their lives. As long as they are not intrusive or don't go against parental wishes, it's important that in-laws are included in their grandchildren's lives. One set of in-laws should not be given preferential treatment over the other when it comes to sharing our children.Generational love from both sides of the family provides the glue that keeps the eternities in perspective.

In conclusion, the best way to minimize problems with the in-laws is to discuss expectations, build family traditions, and show respect for the in-laws ... while at the same time setting boundaries. Lastly, we don't want to overlook the fact that including both sets of in-laws in our lives, and the lives of our children, will enlarge our circle of love.


Until next time …

~ Russ



-----© Russ Beck, 2011-----


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Coping with Divorce ... by Russ Beck

Case Study

Mary,* a pleasant woman in her mid 40s came in feeling depressed and unsure of herself. She spoke of her 20-plus years of marriage to Bill as having been a struggle from the beginning. She said she even had doubts during the wedding ceremony all those years ago.

Mary expressed regret over everything except her three children: one married, another on a mission and the youngest, a junior in high school. At that point, what should have been a glorious time in her life—preparing to become a grandmother—was instead spent preparing for a divorce, going back into the workforce, and dealing with financial struggles.

Understandably filled with sadness, Mary came to me with questions about her future and her role as a Latter-day Saint woman.

At the heart of Mary’s dilemma was the self-doubt enveloping her. She doubted her ability to ever have a meaningful relationship with a man, she questioned if she was correct in pursuing a divorce, and she wondered if she could go to heaven when she died, because she didn’t “stick it out.” More importantly, Mary felt she was responsible for the pain her children were feeling due to the divorce.

Mary said Bill had been okay as a husband, but he never provided sufficiently for them. He moved from job to job and seemed satisfied at only earning minimum wage. According to Mary, Bill usually left a job because of some perceived wrongdoing by a manager. Mary reached her limit and insisted that he either provide for them or she would divorce him. Bill responded by berating her abilities as a wife and insisted she should sustain him, which according to him meant she should stay by him in all things. He further told her that she was causing the children to suffer and if they fell away from the church, it was her fault.

Mary cried several times as she related this story. She indicated maybe she should just resign herself to going back to Bill and living a miserable life because any other course of action would bring spiritual condemnation.

Analysis

Mary continued for over twenty years in a bad relationship, hoping for it to improve. The great comfort in her life was her children. Now, however, the kids were starting to head off on their own and she was looking at living as an empty nester with Bill. This caused the lost hopes and dreams of the past to rush in on her as she came to the realization that he was not going to change. Bill felt happy with the status quo. He did not see any reason for change and believed Mary showed a lack of faith. In reality, Mary has endured her suffering for a very long time and it had finally reached a breaking point.

I asked Mary if she believed God loved her. She shrugged her shoulders and said, “I don’t know. I hope so.” I then asked her if God loved her children. To this, she quickly responded “Yes.”

It is often easier to see the good in others. Our intimate knowledge of ourselves causes us to view our faults and mistakes as if looking at them with a magnifying glass.

Mary told me that she had involved God in her decision. She believed He agreed with her decision and in fact that is what gave her the strength to move ahead with the divorce. Even with this knowledge, her critical life decisions were hard and required perseverance.


Real Life Applications

Living with a divorce or any other major disaster in our lives is a difficult experience comprised of numerous complex issues. We fair much better when we follow a few simple guidelines.

Include God in the Decisions: Any crisis will test the limits of what we can endure. We must put our faith into action by calling upon God to assist and guide us in our actions. Then, we must follow His will with trust and resolute firmness. We do not see the “big picture” of this life, but we can be certain that God does. Mary had the conviction of her heart that God was with her, yet she continued to doubt. Eliminating this doubt was the key to her future happiness.

Allow Family and Friends to Help: Mary’s children agreed with her decision and her son on a mission sent letters of support to her. Yet, Mary persisted in the belief that the divorce would ruin their lives. By worrying so much about that, she ran the risk of missing an opportunity of gathering the children close and forming deep, interpersonal ties that will bind them together forever.


Prepare a Plan for the Future: Now is the time to consider many options. Perhaps going back to school is an option? Maybe starting a business? Think outside the box, as we all have abilities and talents beyond working at a burger joint. The plan isn't just for the short term, but for the long haul. In this case, Mary's children were older and two were out of the home. She needed to consider that in her plans.


Visit with a Professional Counselor: This offers the chance to work through feelings and emotions in strict confidence. It also give the opportunity to gain objective viewpoints on future plans.

Recognize the Strength Within: Remember, life isn’t fair. We really should be glad for that, because in the unfairness comes an opportunity for growth. We are so much more than the mere flesh and bone we’ve become so accustomed to. Within, we are dynamic beings capable of miraculous achievements. Tapping into this knowledge enables us to navigate the rough seas of divorce, death, or other tragedies.

Until next time …

~ Russ


* Names have been changed.

-----© Russ Beck-----


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Long Distance Grandparenting ... by Russ Beck

In this fast paced, unrelentingly mobile world, we often find ourselves living in one location while loved ones are living thousands of miles away. In the case of being a grandparent this can be emotionally painful. The expectation we carry in our mind is one of Sunday dinners spent with the grandchildren laughing and playing. Although some fortunate people have this, the majority actually do not.

So, what are we to do then? We live in one place while our children have moved for work to another part of the country, taking with them our precious grandchildren. Certainly, we can attempt to move to the new location, but it is generally expensive and not a practical solution for many. There is always the problem of relocating, only to have them move again. Few, if any, of us have the financial freedom to traipse around the country following our children.

The one action we don't want to take is to do nothing. The old saying, “Out of sight, out of mind,” is all too true. We must face the challenge and be proactive in our attempts to maintain a relationship with our grandkids and have influence in their developing lives.

Here are a few ideas to help maintain a long-distance relationship:

Learn and Use Technology
There is a great deal to learn with today’s technological advancements, presenting a challenge that's not to be feared, but rather to be embraced. Continuing to learn and stretch our capabilities at any age is beneficial. We gather skills, which improve our self-esteem. We are engaged in problem solving which has advantages in other areas of life, and we become positive examples to our grandchildren. Additionally, if we need assistance, we can usually turn to our grandchildren for help! This also improves our relationship with them. But, when using technology, don’t think one dimensionally—utilize several methods of communication.

Texting
The vast majority of people now have cell phones. Often our grandchildren will also have a cell phone of their own. Be sure to have their number and make sure they have yours. Call them when appropriate, but also learn how to send and receive a text. The youth of today communicate with each other in a variety of ways. Texting is one of the most exciting for them. It can be tricky to get the hang of it, but think of how pleased they will be when they receive a text saying, “Thinking of you. Hope you have a good day.” Most likely, a lightening fast reply of “u2.” will appear on our end.

We may feel like we're learning a new language with texting, but again, learning a new language helps keep our cognitive abilities sharp!

Email
Once the major vogue, email has started to take a step back. However, it is important to remember that our goal is to have multiple methods of communicating with our grandchildren. So, send an occasional email. We should try not to be too lengthy, but be sure to convey love and concern for them, as well as express what activities we're doing. This is a chance to be a little more in depth than a text message, and allows for the development of a deeper relationship.

Computer Novelties
Send an occasional e-card from one of the many web sites available. There are a number of different kinds to choose from, and some cost money, while others are free. We also need to consider what types of things our grandchildren like so we can make it a goal to surprise them with a card that will appeal to them personally.

Sending photos by email is an excellent way of not only being more personal, but of giving them a digital file they can save and reopen frequently. Anyone unskilled in this area can check with a local senior center for classes or check with church members who may be willing to help. Again, we want to try to have the photo depict us involved in an activity. This gives the grandkids more info about our lives and our personalities. Remember, we are building relationships.

Look for fun, interactive web sites which allow sharing something together. With our granddaughter, we found a cute web site that allowed the user to build a little squid. She was able to decide the size and color, as well as name it. Once released into the digital ocean, it would have various experiences, some funny and some dangerous. Our granddaughter would call us and ask us to look up her squid on the computer and tell her what it was doing. It was great fun for all.

Web Cam
This amazing advancement allows real time face-to-face contact. We look directly into the eyes of our grandchildren and talk with them the same, as if they were sitting across from us. It is remarkably simple and affordable.

Skype
Started 7 years ago, this is now the leading Internet global communications company. Their program and system offers calling as well as video conferencing through the computer. It offers a great opportunity to maintain contact with the grandkids and is pocketbook friendly... you can do it for free!

Snail Mail
This is more of an old school type of approach, but it is still significant. Everyone still loves to go to the mailbox and get a letter or card. There is still something precious about written material. Perhaps it is the personal touch or the knowledge that it takes more time than a text or email and thereby signifies love. Don’t neglect the power or impact of this mode of communication.

All good relationships require effort. Today we have the advantage of utilizing multiple forms of communication to keep us in touch with our grandchildren who live far from us. The trick is to use several of the different means of contact and not just one. We may not be able to have them over for Sunday dinner, but we can be a part of their lives and in return, they can still be an important part of ours.

Until next time …

~ Russ



------© Russ Beck, 2010------

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Overcoming Pornography ... by Russ Beck

Last time we discussed the ravages of pornography upon the individual, family, and society. Now let’s take a look at ways of overcoming this insidious vice.

Have you ever tried to lose weight? I know when I decide to lose a few pounds, I immediately start to fixate upon food. Ice cream, cake, breads, mashed potatoes, and tons of other delicious treats become the focus of my thoughts. The moment I decide to force my will and overcome eating, I find I can think of nothing else but eating. This holds true for any habit we want to end. Smoking for example is one of the most difficult addictions to defeat. People would rather give up food than give up their cigarettes. So, what are we to do?

Ask Why
The very first thing to do is look inside and figure out why there needs to be a change. What is the motivation for change ... becoming a better person, saving the marriage, being a better father or mother, son or daughter? Is the motivation that's chosen strong enough to help overcome the whirlpool of temptation which will assuredly come?

Find a Reason
In my experience, the greatest motivation is "other" oriented. Attempting to accomplish any task for the purpose of another person or for a cause almost always gives added strength to the resolution to change.

I know a man who managed to quit smoking because he didn’t want his infant son to grow up and become a smoker. In times of stress or temptation, he was able to focus upon this righteous desire, look at his son, and receive added strength to overcome this powerful addiction. Ultimately, he did quit smoking and hasn’t smoked for over 30 years.

Being a part of a larger purpose gives the strength to overcome. Indeed, this is true in war. Those units which had a greater sense of brotherhood, fought harder. People are always willing to give more of themselves when it means helping others they care about deeply.

While examining the reasons for quitting pornography, it helps to recognize how much it hurts loved ones. Those selling the filth of lust often peddle the belief that it doesn’t hurt anyone and is victimless. This is a great lie. Everyone is hurt by pornography. Those who suffer the most are immediate family members.

When considering the reasons for change, it's beneficial to reflect upon not only the behaviors to change, but also new behaviors to acquire to replace the old ones that are bound to pornography . Change is ever occurring, so thoughtfully consider life's current direction and where it will end up. Mentally ask, "Is this the person I want to be?"

Use Visualization
The best process for change is visualization. This means seeing one's self in the future as a person who does not view pornography. Picture the details of what this person does instead of watching pornography. Imagine even small details to the picture. How does he go about his day and how does he treat people?

Crystallize the view of that new self until that presence can be felt within. Do this every day, several times a day. Start living life as this person and soon, the necessary changes will be within reach and then, accomplished. Mentally rehearse how this "new you" would respond to temptations and consider how to better occupy time instead of spending it viewing pornography. The more detailed the visualizations are, the better equipped the mind is to handle the temptations when they occur.

Additionally, become re-involved with family. Spend time walking, talking, playing games, and loving the people that matter the most. In this lies a hidden strength that will generate great power in overcoming the longing to view pornography.

Monitor Your Monitor
To help with re-focusing on family, place a meaningful photo of loved ones next to the computer monitor. Listen to uplifting music, and never use the computer in a closed room. At night, if unable to sleep, go and read from a good book until sleep comes along rather than going to the computer in the dark.

I once had a client who read the Old Testament when he couldn't sleep. He found that he quickly became sleepy and returned to bed.

The process of change takes time but by consistent and persistent effort, success will happen! The key lies in proper motivation, visualization, and monitoring your monitor.

It has been said that life is not a process of having and getting, but of being and becoming. Always try to become the best person you can be.

Until next time …

~ Russ

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Something Wicked This Way Comes ... by Russ Beck

By the pricking of my thumbs,
something wicked this way comes.
Macbeth Act 4, scene 1



There is an oft-told story of a clever fox who sold fat, juicy worms to a bird. The cost was only a feather. At the beginning, it wasn't difficult for the bird to find a loose, unimportant feather to give in payment. Over time, however, the desire to find worms for himself lessened. He eventually lost the keen knack of treading lightly upon the ground and cocking his head just right, in order to see and hear the slight movement which revealed the presence of a worm. Instead, he continued to pay the price to the fox. Eventually, the bird ended up looking molted, with only primary flying feathers remaining. Upon pulling out a particularly painful and necessary feather, the bird lost the ability to fly. Then, the fox proceeded to eat him.

There is a similar situation in our society today, and its name is pornography. It's a pernicious, nefarious activity with deadly consequences, offering simple pleasure with just a mouse click or two and existing under the guise of not really harming anyone.

Thomas Jefferson said, “Do not bite at the bait of pleasure, till you know there is no hook beneath it.” Truly, sitting just under the surface of pornographic pleasure lie many deadly hooks and barbs waiting to ensnare those who dare to enter its temping allure. Below are some of the consequences exacted by those who delve into the fetid arena of pornography.

Loss of Self-esteem
The overall appraisal of self and the resulting feelings of worth are called self-esteem. Becoming involved in a degrading behavior that elicits secretive conduct and runs counter to one's moral compass causes self-confidence to wane. Low self-esteem will show its effects in multiple areas of life. A common symptom is depression and feelings of worthlessness.

Loss of Sensitivity to Lovely Things
Just as hard physical labor can cause calluses to form on the hands, a constant bombardment of pornographic material will create spiritual calluses. This is a result of selfishness. The ability to look upon innocence is dulled as the mind surrenders to more vulgar appetites.

Loss of Compassion for Others
Another direct result of pornography is the practice of thinking more of personal wants and desires than the needs of others, even loved ones. Engaging in this practice too long creates a hard personality wherein satisfying one's appetite is all important.

Loss of Patience
As self-esteem declines, an individual involved in pornography becomes overly sensitive to perceived criticism and is easily irritated. Attitudes take on a paranoid flavor and there is increasingly less time and concern for others. Even innocent comments made in jest by family members are met with a harsh over-reaction. This explosion of temper causes undeserved, hurt feelings for family and friends.

Loss of Trust
The great keystone of any relationship is trust. It has been rightly said that it is better to be trusted than to be loved. Someone who is trusted is loved, but it is sadly true that it is possible to love someone that can't be trusted. When a peruser of pornography is caught, it marks the destruction of confidence and reliance in that individual. From that point on, all actions become suspect. The process of re-establishing trust is a long and difficult task. It can be done, but it is significantly better to not destroy the confidence of a spouse and family members.

Loss of Family
The ultimate tragedy is the dissolution of the family. Sometimes the loss of trust, coupled with the other symptomatic responses to involvement with pornography, result in divorce and the end of the family. Also, viewing pornography naturally leads one to fantasizing about sexual dalliances, and what the mind thinks on, the body acts upon. How many people would play Russian roulette with a spouse or child? None that have any common sense! Yet, exposure to this evil is just as deadly and carries consequences which may affect future generations.

Is pornography really a victimless endeavor? It is not. The list of those injured is long. It is a modern day plague upon our society and especially upon families. The old saying of playing with fire doesn’t quite seem adequate. Perhaps it truly is more like playing Russian roulette, only with a fully loaded gun!

Just as the witches in Macbeth were able to see "something wicked this way comes," it's easy to see that the wicked vice consuming our society is pornography. The question often asked is, "What can those who are ensnared do to free themselves?" The road isn't easy, but it can be done, and I'll discuss a few thoughts on that in an upcoming article.

Until then …

~ Russ

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Does Going Back to School Ring a Bell?

© Russ Beck

It has been many years since attending my last class in graduate school. The most notable and formative years, however, were from grade school through the end of high school, while passing through the gauntlet of tests, homework, gym, dating, and a myriad of social and academic challenges.

Being so far removed from the rigors of attending school, you would think it would play a small role in my life but that is not the case. During times of stress I still dream about being late for a class and running around the halls trying to find the right classroom. Or, another dream is that of running out of time and trying to remember the combination to my locker. But, my most nauseating dream has me sitting at a desk in a class where I have no idea what is being taught, knowing the teacher is about to ask the class a question and praying she won’t call on me.

Do any of these dreams sound familiar? This is just one indication of the impact school years can have on an individual.

As adults, we are well aware of the tremendous stress our places of employment put upon us. We worry about keeping our job or we complain about having our job. We say we work for an idiot or we're the supervisor of idiots. And most of us feel we don’t make enough money.

But, are we aware of the stress our children endure in their jobs as students? They encounter a host of difficult situations during those most formative years. Children can be bullied and afraid for their safety. They can be struggling with maintaining grades or feeling they don't have any friends. Or, feeling the friends they have are not loyal.

I think we can find that the school years are a time of not only learning educationally, but a time of learning who we are and who we might want to be. As parents, we can offer help for our children in several ways.

Observe
Pay attention to your children's behaviors. Are they different than they used to be? Are there signs of excessive worry or concern? Is it simply nervousness at being in a new grade? Or is there a real problem?

Listen
Take time to visit with your children and hear what their concerns or accomplishments are. Not only does communicating help them to establish a good relationship with you, but they will also be learning a valuable lesson on how to be a good parent. My father passed away almost 18 years ago and I still have times when I wish I could call him and discuss what is going on in my life. We need to take advantage of the precious gift of time we have now while our children are young.


Advocate
Let them know that you are on their side. Whatever you can do to help their world be safer, more secure, and make a little more sense, will do wonders for helping to ease the stress of their lives. Ask questions, dig around a little, and make sure you understand what the issues are in their lives, and then offer to do what you can to help.

Lastly, those of us who are LDS can utilize the Priesthood and offer a blessing to each of our children at the start of the school year. It is an opportunity where, as members of the church, we can do our best advocacy work by imploring the God of Heaven to be with and protect our children. They, too, will feel of this and know of not only our love, but of God’s love as well.

School years can be difficult, but they are actually a great preparation for life. The lessons learned during that time remain with people throughout their lives. And the relationships we establish with our children during their school years can remain for eternity.

Until next time …

~ Russ

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Five Tips to Strengthen Your Marriage ... by Russ Beck

Photo © Jason Hutchens, Wikimedia Commons


In today’s difficult world, it is often hard to take time to smell the roses. Too often we feel so thrust upon by the thorns of adversity that we neglect the very essence of our potential happiness–our spouse.

The magazine, Psychology Today, defines marriage as “…the process by which two people who love each other make their relationship public, official, and permanent. It is the joining of two people in a bond that putatively lasts until death, but in practice is increasingly cut short by divorce.”

Unfortunately, the divorce rate is far too high and seems to be growing. Couples are leaving each other for any number of reasons. I once had a couple in counseling that were on the precipice of divorce and one of his major complaints consisted of the way she squeezed the toothpaste. He started each morning with a little irritation that grew and festered until he only saw her as the source of all his frustration in life. The solution of having "his" and "hers" toothpastes never occurred to them. Of course, there were other issues, but it was very interesting that this was the focal point for his side of wanting a divorce.

In 1995, a comprehensive review of research on marriage indicated that the best predictors of divorce are negative interpersonal interactions, such as lack of respect for each other, frequent expressions of anger, and similar destructive behaviors.

What then is a couple to do living in a world where divorce is becoming so widely accepted? How are they to find joy and happiness?

As with all things of importance in our lives, the answer lies in work. We need to recognize that work is good. Without work, we do not grow. It doesn’t matter if the work is our job, our garden, our church calling, or our marriage. We have come to think of work as a negative, and that play and fun are the only positives. We need to re-frame the way we think and feel about work.

President Spencer W. Kimball, past leader of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said, “Two people coming from different backgrounds learn soon after the ceremony is performed that reality must be faced. They must assume responsibility and accept new duties. Some personal freedoms must be relinquished, and many unselfish adjustments, must be made.”

In other words, we must work at building a valuable relationship which will pay multiple dividends of joy and happiness in the years to come. Just as you would not expect much to come of a garden where you watered and weeded only every other week, so too with the marriage relationship. It must be nurtured and cared for regularly and consistently.

Listed below are five suggestions for strengthening a marriage. If practiced routinely, they will help the most important relationship in your life to grow and flourish.

Listen to Your Spouse
In most of our conversations we miss what someone else is saying because we're so busy thinking about what we want to say. For example, when you meet someone for the first time, how difficult is it to remember their name? We must work on really taking the time to quit whatever it is we are doing (computer game, texting, watching TV, etc.) and pay attention to what our spouse is saying. We live in a world where “multitasking” is held up as a skill to be sought after, but in reality, we need to recognize the need to give our spouse our full and undivided attention.

Give to Your Spouse
There are a great many pressures on our time. We sometimes feel as though we are being split into a million little pieces which are given to an endless array of tasks. From our places of employment, to tending the kids, to volunteering service, we are constantly giving of our time and abilities. It is therefore vital that at the top of our list for giving should be our spouse. Too often just the opposite is true and we end up with too little to give to the one to whom we’ve pledged our eternal devotion.

Surprise Your Spouse
Think of ways to show your spouse you're thinking of them. In our world of mass communications, there are many creative ways to accomplish this. Texting, email, written notes in a lunch sack, e-cards, notes on the pillow, small gifts, etc. All of these are just a few of the many ways you can say a quick, “I love you” to your sweetheart.

Compliment Your Spouse
Like the song of old, you must, “Accentuate the positive.” Our world can often turn negative as you listen to all the calamities caused by nature and by man. Our anxiety for the future rises and it is too easy to only see the bad. You need to be sure and tell your spouse how much you appreciate all they do for you. Tell your spouse how attractive they are to you, both physically and spiritually. Let him/her know that their daily acts of service to you and the family do not go unnoticed. Be swift with a kind word and appreciative praise.

Be Faithful to Your Spouse
You must be faithful and loyal to your spouse in all your daily actions and conversations. This includes not only physical fidelity, but emotional, as well. As you go about your daily routines, care must be taken to remain true to the covenants you've made.

The most important person in your life is your marriage partner. By adhering to the five tips above you can work at building a lasting relationship which will provide a bounteous harvest as the years pass by.


Until next time …

~ Russ

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Avoiding Addiction Triggers

© Russ Beck, May 2010




The other day while working in the house, I heard my dog, Corky, barking from the kitchen. This was not his normal bark telling me there was a stray cat in the yard, nor his answer to a neighbor dog, calling out the latest news. This bark had a little bit of distress to its timbre. As I walked into the kitchen to locate the source of his difficulty, I noticed him staring intently at the full-to-the-brim kitchen trash. I'd intended to take it out earlier that morning, but it slipped my mind. Corky pointed his nose at a napkin, hanging over the edge and just at eye level.

The little dog loves to chew on napkins. He not only chews on them, he shreds them, leaving tiny bits and pieces all over. Sometimes he even eats them. However, he knows this love affair with napkins is a forbidden activity for him.

Just what was he trying to tell me as he barked and stared at the temptation? From past experience, I knew he was calling for help. He really wanted that paper dessert, but he also knew that he would be in trouble if he took it and shredded it all over the kitchen.

I told him he was a good boy, then I emptied the trash, thereby removing the temptation. He calmed down and went about his normal routine.

There's a good analogy for all of us in that story. How often do we see temptation, then flirt and toy with it, only to succumb in the end? Why flirt with temptation when it would be better to avoid it or seek help in overcoming it? And how much stronger is the temptation when there's an addiction involved?

Once an addiction has started to become a part of someone's life, there are many situations which have the potential to draw them back into the web of addiction. How aware they are of these triggers and how they deal with them ultimately determines their success in not returning to addictions.

For most people, a major trigger is stress. This can be stress from a job, family, unemployment, neighbors, etc. Stress is a killer in many ways, but for someone overcoming an addiction it is deadly. Learning how to live with stress and not use the familiar addictive coping mechanisms from the past is hard. Recognizing the stressful situations gives us the opportunity of choosing the next course of action and not just reacting to the stress in old destructive patterns of behavior.

For example, I love eating ice cream. However, I need to lose a few pounds and I’m diabetic, so I need to be careful about what I eat. If I have a difficult day at work and then come home to find the wind has blown shingles off my roof and flung the pine tree into the street, I know I’ll be stressed. If next I go to the store thinking I'll pick up something quick for dinner before I start cleaning up the shingles, and instead I start to walk slowly down the ice cream aisle, I’m placing myself in danger. Additionally, if I pause to look at the different varieties of ice cream, I’m increasing the level of danger. Ultimately, I’ll open the door, handle the ice cream container and before long, it’s in the cart and in my tummy in short order.

That example makes it clear that the more we are able to identify what our particular triggers are, the better we’ll be able to develop new coping measures.

For fun, clink on the following link below and look at the pictures: http://www.time.com/time/photogallery/0,29307,1626481,00.html Do they entice you to want to eat or not? If weight, or over-eating is a problem, or you believe you have a food addiction, which pictures might be a trigger for you and which ones wouldn't?

One trick in objectively identifying triggers is called mindfulness. It means to become aware of ourselves in a non-judgmental manner so we can be more objective without being accusatory. Techniques such as meditation, prayer and quiet reflection are ways to accomplish this. Another good technique is keeping a journal. Combined with these are deep breathing and listening to peaceful, relaxing music. Mindfulness exercises place us in a position to view ourselves in a more lenient fashion. They also offer an opportunity to choose our future actions in a calm state of being.

All of these mindfulness behaviors assist us in tending the garden of our mind. It is important to remember that just as an unattended garden will produce weeds, so too will an unattended mind.

To bring us back to the example in the beginning, with Corky, the dog, I now try to be more like him when I notice old, destructive behavior patterns starting to surface. I bark for help from those around who love me.

Try the tips that I've mentioned above and see if they don't help ... no matter what you're trying to overcome.

Until next time …

~ Russ

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