The Silent Treatment ... by Russ Beck

Case Study
Joe and Mary entered my office and took a seat at opposite ends of the room. Mary stared at Joe through tear filled eyes as he sat fiddling with his cell phone. When I asked what the problem was, Mary folded her arms and turned towards the wall while Joe looked at me and shrugged his shoulders. Joe felt clueless about what was wrong and Mary wasn’t talking.

Through 18 years of marriage, Mary and Joe handled disagreements through avoidance. When offended, Mary typically became quiet and stayed to herself, but in reality she wanted Joe to apologize for his actions. She believed he knew what he'd done yet he chose to ignore it. It infuriated her.

For his part, Joe disengaged. He didn't press the issue and went off to watch TV or mow the lawn. Eventually, perhaps two or three days later, they gradually moved back into a congenial relationship where they spoke to each other again.

This time, however, they were not moving back together. They hadn't spoken for two weeks.

I asked Mary if she could explain to me what Joe had done. After several minutes, Mary looked at me and said she shouldn’t have to, Joe knew perfectly well what he'd done. “It doesn’t take a genius to know when you’ve insulted someone,” she said with her eyes flashing. Joe remained unmoved by this and continued to press buttons on his cell phone. More upset than ever, Mary refolded her arms tightly across her chest, exhaled sharply and turned to stare at me. “See what I mean?” she said in disgust.

The situation with Joe and Mary had reached critical mass. Something needed to be done quickly or they would divorce.

Analysis
The ability to communicate with others is a learned skill which is vital to a healthy marriage. Joe’s choice to disconnect wasn’t helping and Mary’s expectation that Joe should “just know” what he had done was driving their marriage off a cliff. Joe needed to let Mary know how frustrated he became when she would not explain to him what was bothering her. Mary needed to tell Joe what she was feeling and why. Both were contributing to the problem. Joe failed to let her know how much he loved her and how much he wanted to help her feel better. Mary failed to let him know what he did to offend her.

Mary came from a family where innuendo and slight suggestion was interpreted accurately. It was very much like a second language. When she was young and the family was eating, her mother would say, “Oh, those potatoes look yummy.” Immediately someone would grab the bowl and offer them to her. Whereas, Joe came from a family where members said exactly what they wanted. If someone wanted more potatoes, he asked for them. Because of the difference in family structure, Mary had trouble comprehending why Joe never understood her nuanced statements and hints. She felt he was either being mean or that he just didn’t care. She failed to realize that just like another language, Joe was clueless as to what she was saying, or attempting to say.

In order to help Joe and Mary, I suggested they take time to practice this second language and to make a game of it. Mary was amazed at Joe’s lack of understanding. Over time, she started to help him and it became a shared, fun thing to do. Mary also began to see that not everyone was so adept at the language of hidden meanings. Over time, Joe became more aware of what Mary was saying.

In addition, Mary worked at expressing her needs more directly, rather than couching her requests in hints. It was a difficult transition for her as she felt she was stating the obvious. Mary did come to realize that clear communications gave her what she was looking for. Her convoluted attempts at expressing her needs were not only time consuming, but frustrating for her and Joe. She also came to understand that plain and simple talk yielded the most positive results. Their relationship blossomed and efforts at saving their marriage paid large dividends. Both willingly worked to avoid giving the silent treatment in the future, and to discuss issues as they arose.

Real Life Applications

Trying to get your needs met through hints and insinuations is like trying to catch a fish by sitting on the end of the dock and merely thinking about it. Just like needing a fishing pole, line and bait, it's necessary to use honesty and openness to make your wishes known. Taking the initiative to say, "I feel this way, or I'd like it if you would..." is the first step that's needed to prevent misunderstandings.

If the silent treatment is an issue in your life or marriage, work to change that. Whenever you're tempted to hide behind a stony wall of silence, try expressing your needs as mentioned above. Practice conscientiously, and over time you'll experience a positive change in your life.

Until next time …

~ Russ


* Names have been changed.


-----© Russ Beck, 2011-----

Ways to Cope with Aging... by Russ Beck

Finding the Light at the End of the Tunnel



Case Study
Ed, a gentleman in his 50’s, came to see me about a lack of energy. Ed gave a deep, “Umph” as he slid into the recliner. Looking at the floor, he let out a sigh and said, “I guess I’m suffering from depression. I have no energy and everything hurts.” He had been to see a doctor who suggested starting a trial of antidepressants.

After several questions it became apparent that Ed was in good physical health. The doctor had ran several tests to see if physiological causes accounted for his condition and when everything came back good, a diagnosis of depression was considered. For Ed, his future appeared to be one filled with sadness, pain, and pills.

As we discussed his life, Ed sounded like any normal male. He enjoyed his childhood. He was active in middle school and high school. Ed even had success in sports while in school. His children loved him, and he was currently happily married with grandchildren. He felt it cruel that at this stage in life he should be stricken with such a debilitating illness as depression.

I asked about changes in his life over the past year. Ed considered the question and told me one of his daughters had moved with her family to Seattle. Another child, a son, moved to Atlanta to attend college. He felt worried about keeping his job in the worsening economy and mentioned he'd taken on more work with no pay increase, as his company was not replacing people as they left. His parents had health problems and he traveled 60 miles to visit and help them with their home and yard work on a regular basis. On top of that, Ed had injured his back lately and had trouble doing much of anything.

Analysis
Life has a way of overwhelming us at times, especially as we age and are no longer able to accomplish as much physically as we did previously. Ed felt a lack of control with the moving of two of his children, the aging of his parents, work uncertainties, and his own experience of growing older—with all the associated aches and pains. All of these challenges took a toll on Ed, causing him feelings of discouragement. A disheartened frame of mind over time will lead to a despondent spirit, digging a rut in which Ed could become stuck. He needed a reality check before happiness drifted away from him.

I asked him to consider what life would be like without his wife. With a furrowed brow and shaking his head no, Ed said, “It would be miserable.” I asked the same question about his children, and received a similar response. Then I questioned him about his parents. What was it like growing up in their home? Ed smiled as he remembered family outings and times spent alone with his mom or dad. We then talked about the aging process. Could he think of any advantages to growing older? With a wry smile he looked at me and said, “Well, I do know it’s better to be seen than to be viewed!”

Real Life Applications
Ed’s experiences in growing older are not dissimilar to anyone else’s experiences. There are many losses that can result from a death, but it's just as important to recognize there are also losses that come from loved ones moving away, or family members not being able to care for themselves, as well as our own sense of loss as we are no longer able to do things to the same degree as in the past. Also, the many aches and pains we experience on a daily basis are a constant reminder that things have changed and we’ve lost the energy and stamina of younger years.

In coping with these difficult life challenges, Ed needed to adjust his perception of life and aging.

Accept–Life is a gift. With all its difficulties and struggles, life offers us what no other thing can–opportunity. Even though opportunity can come to us disguised as hard work, it is, nonetheless, a chance to grow and be happy. Ed came to realize he had a marvelous opportunity to show love through caring for his elderly parents. He also realized he could learn to use the webcam on his computer as he maintained communication with his children living in another state.

Adapt–Ed told me of a dog he once had as a kid. It had been a mangy thing with only three legs. Ed explained the dog loved to chase cars, got too close once, and lost his leg in an accident. I asked about the dog’s life and Ed said the dog seemed happy and never noticed his handicap. Just like Ed’s dog, it is important to adjust to new situations, even though difficult, with a positive outlook for all that is still left to enjoy in life.

Appreciate–In talking with Ed, it became apparent he did feel gratitude for all the wonderful things he had in his life. He spent many years living close to his parents, near his children and had a loving companion by his side. This sense of thankfulness helped Ed to gain a fresh perspective.

In conclusion, even though life is filled with pain, it is also filled with joy. What you choose to focus upon determines your quality of life.

Until next time …

~ Russ


* Names have been changed.


-----© Russ Beck, 2011-----

This article sponsored by YourLDSNeighborhood.



Please show your appreciation by stopping for a visit. And take a minute to check out their newsletter, and yourLDSRadio as well!

---

Is Retirement In Your Future?

By Russ Beck



A few months ago I found myself discussing the topic of retirement with Bob, a sixty-year-old colleague. He pointed out that just five years ago he excitedly looked forward to retiring, going on trips with his wife, and spending leisurely days with the grandkids. Now, with the ever-worsening economy, he expressed anxiety over the real possibility of never being able to retire—at least in the way he traditionally thought of retirement. His hopes for not having to get up and go to a job, spending days doing what he would like, and having sufficient money for all his needs were vanishing.

Looking at me with eyes filled with sadness Bob said, “Even if I retire from my job, I still have to get another job somewhere. I can’t live off my retirement pay, and I need to have insurance.”

Bob’s revelation of the difficulties of our economic world has no doubt been on the minds of many people in their late 50s and 60s. The world we watched our parents live in seems to have come to an end. Ours appears filled with uncertainty and a loss of prosperity.

Expectations
As with everyone, Bob had firmly held beliefs about what the future “should be.” Based upon what he observed as he grew, Bob assumed he would likewise be entitled to have the same opportunities. His father, Karl, had retired from a 30-year career with the U.S. Post Office. At that time, the retirement package included full insurance coverage and a guaranteed cost of living increase for his pension. Karl spent his retirement years doing what he wanted and taking trips to Hawaii and Europe. This instilled within Bob a strong desire to have the same when his turn came to retire. The reality, however, is proving to be much different. Bob is now upset as he has to cope with the knowledge that this is not going to be the case and therefore, he feels cheated.

Reality
Regardless of how we feel about something, or what we believe to be the truth, a reality exists. Anytime we butt heads with reality, we come away feeling disillusioned. Bob had it all worked out in his mind exactly what his future would be like. This did not turn out to be the case and now, unable to have it go the way he wanted, he struggled with despondency. At first, Bob frantically tried to figure out how to accomplish his goal. He originally thought his large 401K would provide the funds necessary to supplement his pension so he could live the same lifestyle his father had. Now, with a severely depleted 401K balance, he knows the only way left to enhance his pension is to take on another job. He finds his future to be depressing because it is not what he expected.

How often does life turn out the way expected? Looking back at Bob's father, Karl grew up during the great depression. His expectations for his future, therefore, were very low. Karl knew he would have to work hard for anything he would ever have. He also knew it could be lost too. He fought in WWII. The amount of human suffering and sorrow Karl saw made him aware of how fragile life is.

Bob, on the other hand, had an entirely different experience growing up. Bob had many of life’s luxuries including the knowledge that there would always be food on the table and he’d always have a warm bed at night. He didn’t think twice when he attended college and acquired a good position making decent money after graduation. Bob also figured this run of good fortune would continue.

Coping Suggestions
Have Flexibility: Too often, our expectations make us rigid and unable to deal with course corrections. The ability to bend in the face of the strong winds of reality enables us to move forward in life with a more positive attitude. Expect the unexpected. In this way we maintain the ability to turn and pivot towards new directions instead of standing stiff and unyielding. Approach life with a sense of awe and wonder. Being childlike in our amazement at all of life's wonderful twists and turns presents opportunities for growth and exciting new experiences. Just because life doesn’t appear to be as expected, it still can be fulfilling and happy.

Reframe: Looking at a situation from a different angle will often allow us to see it in an entirely new way. I knew a man who was strongly against having the Olympics come to Utah several years ago. He saw it as a waste of tax payer’s money as well as a time that would be filled with terrible human congestion. His trips to the city would become a nightmare, filled with traffic, detours, and people clogging the streets and businesses. Then, one day while reading in the Old Testament, he came across a scripture talking about the house of the Lord being in the tops of the mountains. He realized that referred to the Salt Lake Temple. Then he read that all nations would flow unto it. Light dawned upon him as he recognized that was exactly what the Olympics represented—all nations coming to Salt Lake City. From that point on, he became a strong advocate for the Olympics in Utah.

Concluding Thoughts
Life contains so many variables that it is impossible to know what the future holds. The key, then, is to approach it with a sense of childlike wonder and awe. As we gain an appreciation for life’s unexpected changes, our ability to handle unanticipated circumstances increases. It also helps to remember that happiness is a journey, not a destination.

Until next time …

~ Russ


-----© Russ Beck, 2011-----

This article sponsored by YourLDSNeighborhood.



Please show your appreciation by stopping for a visit. And take a minute to check out their newsletter, and yourLDSRadio as well!

---

Missing Love ... by Russ Beck

Case Study

Judy, a woman in her thirties who worked at a local business, came into my office fidgeting with her key chain and looking all around the room. Obviously uncomfortable, I asked her to sit. She continued to jiggle the keys, but finally sat, leaning on the edge of the recliner.

After a few minutes, she slowly started to talk about not feeling happy and being concerned about the future. Then she said, “No one loves me.”

Tears formed at the corner of her eyes and then rolled down her cheeks. It took her a few minutes to speak again. She spoke of having loving parents, and a brother and three sisters who loved her. She also spoke about her wonderful extended family, all of whom loved her. She spoke of friends and church leaders who cared for her, but still she felt unloved.

Missing from the descriptions of important relationships in her life was any mention of a boyfriend. Indeed, this was the deep heartache causing her so much pain.

Judy went on to explain she had a great childhood and enjoyed activities in the LDS church with her entire family. She had even gone on a few dates in high school and a couple more while in college, but nothing serious. Judy, now thirty-one, felt alone, and filled with dread for a long, solitary future.

We took time to discuss her understanding of the meaning of life. Did we exist only to have a spouse and children? What of the many couples who were childless? Or the couple who lost their child? Or what about the spouse who has an unfaithful partner?

Judy said she believed we were here to learn, grow, and help each other. I agreed with her wisdom.

Analysis

It was natural and normal for Judy to feel lonely and wonder about the course her life was taking. I honestly don’t know anyone who hasn’t sat down and wondered about roads not followed or opportunities missed. I think we all have the experience at times of wondering “why me.”

The answer may not be easily accepted or understood, but the management of the situation is clear. In speaking to a group of unmarried women, the LDS Church President Gordon B. Hinckley said, “To you wonderful young women I send a charge to reach beyond the routine of your daily work to serve in the Church, in the community, in the society of which you are a part. Though your talents be meager, polish them. Increase your skills, extend your love to help those who need your lifting hand .... The best antidote for worry is work. The best medicine for despair is service. The best cure for weariness is the challenge of helping someone who is even more tired.”

Being able to move beyond our sadness through compassionate service to others in need is a skill and quality born of the angels. To see examples of this we need only look towards those serving in positions in our local ward and stake. These good men and women serve unfailingly whether they feel happy or sad, whether they are healthy or not feeling so well, whether things in their life are going great or not so great.

Real Life Applications

In a local psychiatric hospital there is a saying painted on a conspicuous wall which says, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a difficult battle.” I’ve heard it said in another way, "This life is tough—no one gets out alive!" It is true, however, that some do have a more difficult time in this life than others. Focusing more on others who are having a difficult time helps us deal better with the inequities in our own lives.

Ideas for consideration:

Volunteer at a local elementary school and work with children with special needs.

Work with teens in a troubled youth home. Learn about tragedies that have occurred in their life.

Pick a charity, any charity, and become involved in helping. It can be breast cancer, autism, leukemia, juvenile diabetes, cerebral palsy, down syndrome, mental retardation, spina bifida, traumatic brain injury, multiple sclerosis, etc.

Volunteer at a psychiatric mental hospital or mental health facility and help those suffering from mental illness.

Work with mothers against drunk driving or victims against crime, or organizations supporting battered women and children, or other worthy organizations.

Look around your community and see where the needs may be. Talk with the local social service providers, police, and religious leaders to get ideas of opportunities to serve and carefully select one.

Ultimately, serving others who are in pain brings us out of our own concerns and allows us to be a part of helping to ease their burdens in this life. Additionally, we will find our own pain and suffering eased as well.

Until next time …

~ Russ


-----© Russ Beck, 2011-----

This article sponsored by YourLDSNeighborhood.



Please show your appreciation by stopping for a visit. And take a minute to check out their newsletter, and yourLDSRadio as well!

---

Loving the In-laws ... by Russ Beck

Early in my training as a therapist, I learned that there were three main reasons why people divorce: sex, money, and the in-laws. Nowadays, the focus seems to be more on communication but in reality these three main issues continue to be at the root of many married couples difficulties.

Any relationship difficulty with in-laws is a complicated and hard situation to resolve. It's not much different from taking a stroll through a minefield! Unexpected explosions can happen at nearly every turn, even when we think we are just going for a walk.

There are several things to consider when we find ourselves having in-law problems:

Expectations
We all have them, but we seldom take the time to figure out where they came from and if they are valid. Growing up in a family, we learn who we are through our interactions with Mom and Dad. Additionally, we watch them interact with our grandparents and tend to copy that relationship style, too.

Naturally, we accept what we learned as youngsters as being gospel, and we form expectations that this is how things will be in our marriage. Often, we feel this way without even thinking about it.

The problem arises when our spouse comes into the relationship with differing expectations, which is generally a given since we both come from different families. Many of these expectations can be seen in everyday events ... such as, who is “supposed” to do the dishes? Take out the trash? Change the baby’s diaper?

Other expectations arise on a less daily basis but during specific times of the year and in particular, during the holidays. Whose house do we go to for a party every Christmas Eve? Whose house do we go to for Thanksgiving?

It is important to look at what we expect and be willing to discuss this openly and in a fair manner with our spouse so that compromise and sharing will be the basis for making these decisions.

The Two Shall Become One
It is vital to establish our own family that is not an extension of either of our families. Through mutual respect, we learn to look to each other for our source of strength and unity. Certainly, there are some family traditions each of us will want to maintain, but it needs to be a conscious decision upon which we agree. Additionally, we need to go about establishing some of our own traditions that will help us and our children draw close and establish lasting bonds.

Mutual Respect for the In-laws
In a marriage, we love our spouse. Expression of this love takes many forms, but one of the most profound means of demonstrating love is by showing respect for our spouse’s parents. Each of us loves his or her parents deeply. It is not reasonable to expect a complete separation from those who nurtured us and gave their love for so many years. The commandment to love your parents is not an exclusive directive, but rather, it is an expansive instruction which includes in-laws.

All conversations about our in-laws should be done with the knowledge we are talking about the people our spouse loves.

Setting Boundaries
If there is a problem with the in-laws becoming overly involved in raising our children or in just “stopping by” too often, it is important to discuss with each other what behavior by the in-laws would be appropriate. After reaching a mutually agreed upon decision, the spouse of the in-laws in question should talk with his/her parents about it. Having the son-in-law or daughter-in-law speak with their respective in-laws creates a situation that could become a stumbling block for everyone.

It is also important that the spouse is not put into a position of becoming defensive about his/her parents. That will only lead to hurtful arguments and strained relationships.

Inclusion
When setting boundaries, it's important to remember that our in-laws also function as grandparents to our children. As such, they love their grandchildren and want to be involved in their lives. As long as they are not intrusive or don't go against parental wishes, it's important that in-laws are included in their grandchildren's lives. One set of in-laws should not be given preferential treatment over the other when it comes to sharing our children.Generational love from both sides of the family provides the glue that keeps the eternities in perspective.

In conclusion, the best way to minimize problems with the in-laws is to discuss expectations, build family traditions, and show respect for the in-laws ... while at the same time setting boundaries. Lastly, we don't want to overlook the fact that including both sets of in-laws in our lives, and the lives of our children, will enlarge our circle of love.


Until next time …

~ Russ



-----© Russ Beck, 2011-----


This article sponsored by YourLDSNeighborhood.



Please show your appreciation by stopping for a visit. And take a minute to check out their newsletter, and yourLDSRadio as well!

---

Coping with Divorce ... by Russ Beck

Case Study

Mary,* a pleasant woman in her mid 40s came in feeling depressed and unsure of herself. She spoke of her 20-plus years of marriage to Bill as having been a struggle from the beginning. She said she even had doubts during the wedding ceremony all those years ago.

Mary expressed regret over everything except her three children: one married, another on a mission and the youngest, a junior in high school. At that point, what should have been a glorious time in her life—preparing to become a grandmother—was instead spent preparing for a divorce, going back into the workforce, and dealing with financial struggles.

Understandably filled with sadness, Mary came to me with questions about her future and her role as a Latter-day Saint woman.

At the heart of Mary’s dilemma was the self-doubt enveloping her. She doubted her ability to ever have a meaningful relationship with a man, she questioned if she was correct in pursuing a divorce, and she wondered if she could go to heaven when she died, because she didn’t “stick it out.” More importantly, Mary felt she was responsible for the pain her children were feeling due to the divorce.

Mary said Bill had been okay as a husband, but he never provided sufficiently for them. He moved from job to job and seemed satisfied at only earning minimum wage. According to Mary, Bill usually left a job because of some perceived wrongdoing by a manager. Mary reached her limit and insisted that he either provide for them or she would divorce him. Bill responded by berating her abilities as a wife and insisted she should sustain him, which according to him meant she should stay by him in all things. He further told her that she was causing the children to suffer and if they fell away from the church, it was her fault.

Mary cried several times as she related this story. She indicated maybe she should just resign herself to going back to Bill and living a miserable life because any other course of action would bring spiritual condemnation.

Analysis

Mary continued for over twenty years in a bad relationship, hoping for it to improve. The great comfort in her life was her children. Now, however, the kids were starting to head off on their own and she was looking at living as an empty nester with Bill. This caused the lost hopes and dreams of the past to rush in on her as she came to the realization that he was not going to change. Bill felt happy with the status quo. He did not see any reason for change and believed Mary showed a lack of faith. In reality, Mary has endured her suffering for a very long time and it had finally reached a breaking point.

I asked Mary if she believed God loved her. She shrugged her shoulders and said, “I don’t know. I hope so.” I then asked her if God loved her children. To this, she quickly responded “Yes.”

It is often easier to see the good in others. Our intimate knowledge of ourselves causes us to view our faults and mistakes as if looking at them with a magnifying glass.

Mary told me that she had involved God in her decision. She believed He agreed with her decision and in fact that is what gave her the strength to move ahead with the divorce. Even with this knowledge, her critical life decisions were hard and required perseverance.


Real Life Applications

Living with a divorce or any other major disaster in our lives is a difficult experience comprised of numerous complex issues. We fair much better when we follow a few simple guidelines.

Include God in the Decisions: Any crisis will test the limits of what we can endure. We must put our faith into action by calling upon God to assist and guide us in our actions. Then, we must follow His will with trust and resolute firmness. We do not see the “big picture” of this life, but we can be certain that God does. Mary had the conviction of her heart that God was with her, yet she continued to doubt. Eliminating this doubt was the key to her future happiness.

Allow Family and Friends to Help: Mary’s children agreed with her decision and her son on a mission sent letters of support to her. Yet, Mary persisted in the belief that the divorce would ruin their lives. By worrying so much about that, she ran the risk of missing an opportunity of gathering the children close and forming deep, interpersonal ties that will bind them together forever.


Prepare a Plan for the Future: Now is the time to consider many options. Perhaps going back to school is an option? Maybe starting a business? Think outside the box, as we all have abilities and talents beyond working at a burger joint. The plan isn't just for the short term, but for the long haul. In this case, Mary's children were older and two were out of the home. She needed to consider that in her plans.


Visit with a Professional Counselor: This offers the chance to work through feelings and emotions in strict confidence. It also give the opportunity to gain objective viewpoints on future plans.

Recognize the Strength Within: Remember, life isn’t fair. We really should be glad for that, because in the unfairness comes an opportunity for growth. We are so much more than the mere flesh and bone we’ve become so accustomed to. Within, we are dynamic beings capable of miraculous achievements. Tapping into this knowledge enables us to navigate the rough seas of divorce, death, or other tragedies.

Until next time …

~ Russ


* Names have been changed.

-----© Russ Beck-----


This article sponsored by YourLDSNeighborhood.



Please show your appreciation by stopping for a visit. And take a minute to check out their newsletter, and yourLDSRadio as well!

---

Long Distance Grandparenting ... by Russ Beck

In this fast paced, unrelentingly mobile world, we often find ourselves living in one location while loved ones are living thousands of miles away. In the case of being a grandparent this can be emotionally painful. The expectation we carry in our mind is one of Sunday dinners spent with the grandchildren laughing and playing. Although some fortunate people have this, the majority actually do not.

So, what are we to do then? We live in one place while our children have moved for work to another part of the country, taking with them our precious grandchildren. Certainly, we can attempt to move to the new location, but it is generally expensive and not a practical solution for many. There is always the problem of relocating, only to have them move again. Few, if any, of us have the financial freedom to traipse around the country following our children.

The one action we don't want to take is to do nothing. The old saying, “Out of sight, out of mind,” is all too true. We must face the challenge and be proactive in our attempts to maintain a relationship with our grandkids and have influence in their developing lives.

Here are a few ideas to help maintain a long-distance relationship:

Learn and Use Technology
There is a great deal to learn with today’s technological advancements, presenting a challenge that's not to be feared, but rather to be embraced. Continuing to learn and stretch our capabilities at any age is beneficial. We gather skills, which improve our self-esteem. We are engaged in problem solving which has advantages in other areas of life, and we become positive examples to our grandchildren. Additionally, if we need assistance, we can usually turn to our grandchildren for help! This also improves our relationship with them. But, when using technology, don’t think one dimensionally—utilize several methods of communication.

Texting
The vast majority of people now have cell phones. Often our grandchildren will also have a cell phone of their own. Be sure to have their number and make sure they have yours. Call them when appropriate, but also learn how to send and receive a text. The youth of today communicate with each other in a variety of ways. Texting is one of the most exciting for them. It can be tricky to get the hang of it, but think of how pleased they will be when they receive a text saying, “Thinking of you. Hope you have a good day.” Most likely, a lightening fast reply of “u2.” will appear on our end.

We may feel like we're learning a new language with texting, but again, learning a new language helps keep our cognitive abilities sharp!

Email
Once the major vogue, email has started to take a step back. However, it is important to remember that our goal is to have multiple methods of communicating with our grandchildren. So, send an occasional email. We should try not to be too lengthy, but be sure to convey love and concern for them, as well as express what activities we're doing. This is a chance to be a little more in depth than a text message, and allows for the development of a deeper relationship.

Computer Novelties
Send an occasional e-card from one of the many web sites available. There are a number of different kinds to choose from, and some cost money, while others are free. We also need to consider what types of things our grandchildren like so we can make it a goal to surprise them with a card that will appeal to them personally.

Sending photos by email is an excellent way of not only being more personal, but of giving them a digital file they can save and reopen frequently. Anyone unskilled in this area can check with a local senior center for classes or check with church members who may be willing to help. Again, we want to try to have the photo depict us involved in an activity. This gives the grandkids more info about our lives and our personalities. Remember, we are building relationships.

Look for fun, interactive web sites which allow sharing something together. With our granddaughter, we found a cute web site that allowed the user to build a little squid. She was able to decide the size and color, as well as name it. Once released into the digital ocean, it would have various experiences, some funny and some dangerous. Our granddaughter would call us and ask us to look up her squid on the computer and tell her what it was doing. It was great fun for all.

Web Cam
This amazing advancement allows real time face-to-face contact. We look directly into the eyes of our grandchildren and talk with them the same, as if they were sitting across from us. It is remarkably simple and affordable.

Skype
Started 7 years ago, this is now the leading Internet global communications company. Their program and system offers calling as well as video conferencing through the computer. It offers a great opportunity to maintain contact with the grandkids and is pocketbook friendly... you can do it for free!

Snail Mail
This is more of an old school type of approach, but it is still significant. Everyone still loves to go to the mailbox and get a letter or card. There is still something precious about written material. Perhaps it is the personal touch or the knowledge that it takes more time than a text or email and thereby signifies love. Don’t neglect the power or impact of this mode of communication.

All good relationships require effort. Today we have the advantage of utilizing multiple forms of communication to keep us in touch with our grandchildren who live far from us. The trick is to use several of the different means of contact and not just one. We may not be able to have them over for Sunday dinner, but we can be a part of their lives and in return, they can still be an important part of ours.

Until next time …

~ Russ



------© Russ Beck, 2010------

This article sponsored by YourLDSNeighborhood.



Please show your appreciation by stopping for a visit. And take a minute to check out their newsletter, and yourLDSRadio as well!

---